Last weekend I went to a party celebrating the life of one of my friends. It’s been a rough year for a lot of us and it was nice to spend an evening with good people for a highly worthwhile reason.
(The above image is an anatomical drawing of a human heart with the text “Keep on pumping”)
I saw Inside Out recently. I liked the movie but it left me a little emotionally wrecked, feeling like I’d been sucker-punched in the feels. One scene in particular, where the main character’s control panel goes dark, was really difficult to watch because it was a really accurate depiction for me of what it is like to be dissociated from my feelings among other things. I’ve been thinking a lot since about how far I’ve come in the past year and a half with my own mental illness and while I might still have a long way to go it’s important to keep on fighting every day. Which is why I drew the card as I did for my friend as a reminder to him to keep on fighting as well because I don’t think you can ever have too much support or too many reminders.
With the arrival of June first, the temperatures have dipped down into the fifties, so I’m spending the day tucked into a corner of one of my favorite coffee shops downtown. I’m finding it more than a little comical that May brought days into the nineties and I’m welcoming June with jeans and long sleeves. The weather might be a little messy today, but I’m actually really enjoying the rain and cooler temperatures even if I did get wet waiting for the bus this morning.
I’ll be having surgery in two and a half weeks, so I’m trying to enjoy getting out as much as possible now while I’m not recovering. The procedure itself is routine but relatively major, so I’m expecting for it to be a while before I’m back to my baseline. The idea of surgery itself makes me nervous, so I’m taking things one thing at a time and trying not to let my mind run away from me. The surgeon has a really good reputation and I really liked her when I met her, so it’s really just a matter of remaining calm. The worst of my worry stems from my fear of anesthesia and that is mostly due to treatments I underwent for depression which are very different from this surgery. I do want this over and done with, really, and I think if I can keep my anxiety under control for the next 17 days while I wait it’ll be a lot easier than canceling and having to deal with rescheduling and being scared and waiting all over again. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
I guess for now, I’ll enjoy the rain and my cup of coffee and try not to dwell on the worry thoughts too much.